BTW – Ten top things to love about
Indonesia
Checked a listicle recently? Grab one while you can. By the time this
newspaper is lining the floor of a turtledove’s cage, listicle will be as
yesterday as ‘twattle’, the splendid 17th century synonym for
gossip.
Don’t know the word? It’s not a bodily gland as you
might think. The Oxford English
Dictionary says listicle is ‘an article on the Internet presented in the form of a numbered or bullet-pointed
list’.
That’s incomplete. The missing line should read: ‘Designed for
those with limited attention span who prefer brevity to substance’.
But what’s the point of
protest? If you can’t beat ‘em, join
up. Here’s my Top Ten:
Angkutan. Public
transport gets a bad press because many busses and bemo [minivans] are
battered and crowded. However the
drivers want passengers and will hit the brakes the moment a pedestrian looks
weary, even when the vehicle’s full. Try
hailing a bus between scheduled stops or catching a cab off its rank in over-regulated
Western cities – you’ll still be standing in the rain a twelvemonth hence.
Facilitation
payments. Not to be confused with
bribes which all agree are morally and legally wrong. FPs, also known as
expediters, are good value – Rp 50,000 [US$3.70] to ensure a document gets to
the top of the in tray and processed tomorrow.
Better than waiting the 20 business days common where the bureaucracy is
clean, but so rule-bound constipation is an occupational hazard.
Water in
lavatories. The use of slang
air [water pipe] is more hygienic and efficient than Western toilet
paper. It also conserves forests that
might otherwise be pulped. However the drought could create a messy situation.
No
renovation regulations. There
are – but seem to be overlooked. Which
means home improvers can rip out walls, add extra storeys and do whatever they
like - apart from build a place of worship different from the neighbors’
faith. Safety tip for non civil
engineers [uncivil engineers?]: Google ‘load bearing beams in earthquake zones’
before starting work.
Coffee. My grandfather always called the black beverage
‘Java’ and I now know why. Where else can you drink such magnificent coffee –
and I don’t mean the stuff advertised on TV, but the Java served in Java
village roadside stalls.
Mosque
timekeeping. Curmudgeonly non-Muslims complain that calls to
prayer are an annoyance when they’re really a benefit. No need for a clock on the wall consuming
nine-volt batteries when there’s a free timekeeper with a 10,000-watt sound
system. Want a wake up call or reminder
that it’s bedtime and guests should go?
Other nations label this noise pollution, but in Indonesia the pious
keep our days in order, spiritually and practically.
Security. With nosey neighbors a thief’s chances of success are zero. Should one slip past the night watchman he’d
never escape the tut-tutting matrons sweeping the sidewalk with brooms and eyes
sharper than closed circuit TV. Any
disturbance in our street after 9 pm comes from caterwauling, not cat burglars.
Sex
education. To be frank [instead of Duncan], I’d be happy if
someone would silence the lusty Toms’ nocturnal naughtiness. The upside is that their activities train
toddlers in the facts of life. The randy roosters provide the same service as
they harass their harems, kings of the kampong.
Western kids have to wait till they can use the Internet to learn of
life’s raw realities.
Kaki Lima. Mosques share the soundscape. Mobile kitchens
clack brakes, bang gongs and honk horns to promote their menus. Why spend hours
queuing for the right spices, translate an oil-stained Javanese cookbook and
slave over a hot stove when the authentic taste will pedal up to your front
gate? Food poisoning? The more streetfare consumed the tougher your
stomach’s resistance to other bugs. Immunisation without injection. Begone, Big Pharma.
Motorbikes.
What other nation can
boast that its highways are more heavily congested than those in the Republic?
‘You don’t see traffic like this where I come from,’ moan the ignorant
expats. Motorbikes are a blessing, not a
curse. If these commuters weren’t using two wheel transports they’d be sitting
in cars taking up to five times the space.
Now that would be gridlock. Duncan Graham
(First published in The Jakarta Post 30 August 2015)
##
No comments:
Post a Comment