BTW
Acting on best
advice
Hi and welcome to the Wonderful
Indonesia 2016 Visitor Promotion Awards.
It’s been a tight contest in a big field with many worthy performances,
particularly in the popular long-running LGBT series Outrageous Statements.
Who could forget its
memorable theme song? Amazing nation,
what a destination. It’s the only place to stay; come out, be gay.
The judges found it
tough, but in the end were unanimous.
Step up the Immigration Department.
Give them a hearty hand, folks!
You guys have done the
industry proud. You’ve put the nation on
the map, drawn attention to its spellbinding diversity, natural wonder and
quirky attitudes. You’ve attracted publicity
beyond the reach of bribes. Now every
woman’s magazine reader knows Indonesia is heartthrob haven.
As you’ll remember
last year’s winner was Maritime Affairs and Fisheries under Minister Susi
‘Torpedo’ Pudjiastuti. She took out the
Best Costume Award with her arresting naval fatigues and matching helmet
modelled on a former East German warship.
By sinking 23 foreign
poachers this month Smokin’ Susi reasserted our position as an international
power, jealous of its reputation.
No one, apart from
Chinese sailors with faster boats and bigger guns, nets one red and white fish
and gets to sail away unhooked. Many expected she’d reprise her pistol-packin’
role with the explosive sequel Sovereign Borders 2, getting great
billing here and overseas.
Not to be; Susi has
been overtaken. Not by an infuriated
foreign fisher but another department.
Which shows the strength of competition in an open society.
This year’s Best
Performance Award goes to the
Directorate General for Immigration at the Law and Human Rights Ministry.
Spokesman Heru
‘Hero’ Santoso impressed with his
firm patriotic declaration: Anyone disobeying his agency’s rules faces being
blacklisted forever from the blackened stumps of once pristine forests.
The career public
servant’s strident statement moved the judges to overlook ridicule and see the
positives. Put your hands together for
this year’s Best Emerging Talent.
(Applause).
Thank you, everybody,
it’s a great honor. Let me seize the
opportunity and say this: Those who don’t respect the way we mistreat our land
and its resources can go back to their own ravaged landscapes and toxic
rivers. Leave ours alone, I say. We do
our own despoiling.
Thespians may be
Tinseltown titanics in LA, but once they step off the track in Gunung Leuser
National Park their reputations mean nothing among the orang-utans and our
vigilant officials.
In my latest
performance, which your kindness has voted most memorable. I called out US
actor Leonardo DiCaprio.
As you and all
celebrity watchers now know from my speech, the man had the effrontery to enter
our Republic as a tourist. If I hadn’t
been so outspoken few would have known of his presence.
His visa allowed him
the right to a massage in Sanur and a counterfeit watch in Kuta. However rules
expressly prohibit foreigners from opening their mouths without a permit, unless
to drink beer and eat hamburgers.
There’s nothing
unusual here; try rubbishing the royals in Thailand or the party in China and
see what happens.
Unfortunately the Wolf
of Wall Street abused our generosity by prowling around Sumatra. Had he tweeted his admiration for our
monoculture and blamed himself for selecting a hazy day he’d have stayed within
the law.
Instead the
self-styled campaigner against global warming made a provocative statement,
inciting my anger and discrediting the democratically- elected government. This
is what he tweeted:
‘The expansion of palm oil plantations is
fragmenting the forest and cutting off key elephant migration corridors … a
world-class biodiversity hotspot, but palm oil expansion is destroying this
unique place’.
I refused to let such defamatory comments pass
unnoticed. Before the Mental Revolution
we might have looked the other way. But those days have departed.
The Oscar winner’s minders should have reminded him that
while he might play a 19th century frontiersman wrestling grizzly
bears in Montana, in 21st century Indonesia he has to confront the
ferocious fellows of Immigration. We are
not so easily overcome.
If DiCaprio hadn’t fled while we were busy at prayer he’d
have been deported. I can assure you he’ll
not be allowed back. We won’t entertain
a revenant. Duncan Graham
(First published in The Jakarta Post 10 April 2016)
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