BTW
Image problems? Bad
news? You need a distraction
Good morning, and welcome to Complaints Initiated and Actioned, otherwise known as the CIA. We’ve been operating in Indonesia since the
1950s so know the market well.
How can we help?
Are you a shoddy T-shirt manufacturer and sales are slipping
and you need to get back in the black? Maybe a fading artist eclipsed by the
younger generation? Perhaps a public officer whose reputation is going
downhill?
We helped one gentleman a few days ago – advised him to buy
a ring from a big name. It cost him Rp
150 million, but it certainly distracted the media’s attention from his other
problems. Did you see the positive photos? Clever, eh?
It’s not a good line but your accent sounds South Sulawesi –
right? Lovely! No problem, our professionals have worked with many people from
your splendid province.
I’ll just run you through our service … may I have your
name, please? Thank you. Is it alright if I call you Jusuf?
Once you’ve paid a deposit work starts immediately. We’ll send you some offensive designs from
our range of political, religious, celebrity or sporting issues.
For example, you might like to check our latest - Syahrini Mimes her Songs showing the artist pouting and looking fat.
That will be followed by a Twitter and Facebook campaign
against your company. Some of our most
experienced people will post messages like: ‘I normally never comment on social
media – but this attack on a lovely lady is disgusting.’
If that doesn’t work we’ll organize anonymous death
threats. That usually grabs the media’s
attention.
We have contact with several tabloid and TV reporters. For a reasonable honorarium they’ll report
that hatred of your product has gone viral. Don’t worry, no one will check.
Then one of our staff will act as your spokesman offer
sincere apologies, promise to withdraw the offending apparel and make a
donation to charity. All sweet, they won’t check that either.
By then everyone will be clamouring to buy the T shirts and
you’ll be famous for responding to complaints.
Within a week your product will have sold out and your
company’s name will be known from Sabang to Merauke as an edgy trend setter. What do you think?
Ethical? Sorry, I
don’t know what you mean. Oh, you’re
saying it’s not proper – though that’s a word we choose not to use at CIA.
Look, Jusuf, do you really think the kampongs are full of
people expressing their outrage over every silly little thing in society? Of course not – issues have to be provoked,
and that’s the job of the CIA.
Look at it like this:
You’ve produced a boring film that’s going to lose a bundle at the box
office; what better way to bring back the crowds than suggest the movie be
banned because of its explicit sex scenes?
It doesn’t matter that there are no such scenes. For a
relatively miniscule amount our most excellent friend in the censor’s office
will say the film is being closely examined and could be withdrawn; the rush to
see will recoup costs in a fortnight just from adolescent boys..
Journalists are busy folk and can’t wander the streets
asking commuters what they think of Syahrini’s bottom or Flesh Eating Ghosts of Depok Mall Toilets. Most people would
reply: ‘You don’t want my views on the economy or leadership? Get lost - I’ve got a life to lead, haven’t
you?’
So you see CIA has stepped in to provide a service where
outrage can be manufactured and help fill newspapers.
Fine – so, you’re not a film producer and you’d like our VIP
service. Now whose flagging fortunes can
we help you recover? Just say the name
and we’ll create a plan.
Sorry, who did you say?
Jok ..what? … And he’s your
partner? Mmmm. Look, just hold the line
while I check with my bosses.
OK, here we are again, Jusuf. I do apologise, but we really think this task
is going to be just a teeny bit hard to accomplish. Anyone else, no problem. But perhaps this fellow’s image has gone too
far down to recover. Duncan Graham
First published in The Jakarta Post 10 May 2015
##
No comments:
Post a Comment