ON LINE BOOKING - READ THE TINY PRINT

BTW                                                                                                                   Up, up and away

Hello and Thank You for choosing Leopard Air. Our motto:  We Never Change Our Spots.

Just US$20 to Jakarta from anywhere in Indonesia – Wow, what a deal! Beat that, Big Bird.

I’m Leo and I’ll help guide you through your on-line booking. Follow the prompts below to get the Special Promo Rate for Internet customers seduced by our suspect advertising.

We are the premium award-winning low-cost budget airline in Southeast Asia, reviewed by our in-flight magazine Leopard Leaps as the best value airline in the world. Our Airbus fleet was the most modern when purchased from Mexican Poppy Airways.  Please notify our team if you sniff anything strange that our highly trained ground staff may have missed.

Unlike other carriers we will never make you fly, but we will make you pay.

Our distinctive spotted livery is replicated in the uniforms worn by Team Panther.  For passengers subject to hallucinations when viewing repetitious patterns we recommend the use of mirror glasses, as worn by all our staff.  These are available with the cute Panther logo through our In Flight Shop at a very reasonable US$119.99.

Be assured you are in safe hands and that the welfare of your wallet is our prime concern.  Your basic airfare starts at US$20* as promoted, which we guarantee is the cheapest in the region.

[*If available.]

However because you are booking from Indonesia, government regulations insist on payment in rupiah.  We select the exchange rate most advantageous to the airline and add international cash management transfer fees and insurance as required by a law we devised to guarantee you a worry-free journey.

We know you are a busy person so have added the following services to save you time.  If you do not require please tick the tiny box saying NO THANKS that we have hidden on your Web screen in a white 1.5 size font on a white background.  It may take you several hours to locate this fun option, but helps pass the time.  We have linked the charges to the aircraft’s altimeter for our added fiscal safety.  All fees in US dollars.

Baggage allowance – 10 kilograms:  149.99

Meals and drinks                                 29.99 [Choice of menu:  Steamed rice or fried rice.]                                                              

Your selection of seat:                        9.99

Extra leg room:                                   17.99     

Be first in the queue:                           6.99

Insurance:                                            17.99

Flight alerts by SMS:                          6.99 / message

State taxes:                                          76

Fuel levy                                             99

Carbon emissions offset                      16

Service charge                                     43.99

Airport impost:                                    99

Passenger surcharge:                           49.99

Take off charge:                                  24.99

Landing fee:                                        18.99

Unfortunately Consumer Protection Laws require us to notify you that not all these charges are compulsory. For example, if you decide not to pay to land please check the box marked DECLINE.

Your total charge is now a low US$668. To make the process even easier we have selected several payment options – cash, credit card, debit card, gold bars or bank transfer.  Refunds are not allowed.

Please be advised that a 6.99 per cent fee will be charged however you pay.

If you wish to use a currency other than rupiah we will charge an 8.50 per cent transfer fee, as required by another law we have just invented.

For passengers seeking a loan we recommend Panther Bank where interest rates start at an affordable 29.9 per cent.  Feel free to wake the pilot for help as he gets a commission. Have your house certificate or other security available.

Ticking the ACCEPT NOW box means you have read and understood our 59 page Terms and Conditions Agreement.  Tickets are selling fast and unlikely to be available at this price tomorrow. Your flight leaves at 3.45 am subject to Leopard Air remaining solvent [see clause XXVI, Paragraph 9 of the contract].

You are required to be at the check-in six hours in advance to comply with security procedures.  Carry-on baggage is limited to 100 grams and will be strictly enforced.  Anything above this limit will be charged at US$50 a kilogram.

Thank You for choosing Leopard Air, and remember our fares are always advertised as cheap. Enjoy your flight.  We hope to see your credit card again soon. Have a Nice Day. Duncan Graham

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(First published in The Jakarta Post 16 November 2014)