ANIES BASWEDAN

Looking on the bright side

According to the political pundits Anies Baswedan has got The Right Stuff to be a future President. He comes from a famous family with a creditable past – his grandfather A R Baswedan was an independence activist.

He was raised in Yogyakarta, the cultural centre of Java, the son of academics. His wife Fery Farhati is a psychologist. He’s overseas educated, unafraid of criticising the government and isn’t squeamish about attacking Islamic hardline violence.

Dr Baswedan is young (41), personable and ably articulates a future Indonesia where its well-educated citizens stand tall and proud, achievers yielding to none. His speciality is lambasting the merchants of gloom.

“Let’s stop saying Indonesia is a poor country,” said the rector of the Islamic Paramadina University with some passion. “We must stop asking the government for help. Why do we feel so inferior? In 1945 we didn’t sit around and ask the Ministry of Defence to kick out the Dutch – we all worked together to do it ourselves.

“We’ve become a nation of complainers, sitting down in five star hotels that didn’t exist a few years ago, worried about a nation that in 1945 had 95 per cent illiteracy – now almost all can read and write.

“ Be grateful. Don’t curse the darkness, light a candle. The question is: How do we facilitate the principles of Pancasila.” (The State philosophy designed by first president Soekarno.)

Before he can put himself forward as a candidate for the Republic’s top job, the upbeat US educated Dr Baswedan has a few chasms to cross and bonds to tie. He needs powerful friends with deep pockets and the right connections.

In New Zealand at the invitation of the government to cement ties with the Victoria University of Wellington he was introduced as a ‘prominent political analyst … not affiliated with any political party or group.’

However in Indonesia he’s been associated with the ambitious media mogul and former Golkar heavyweight Surya Paloh who formed the National Democrats (Nasdem) last year. The academic often appears on Paloh’s Metro TV.

“I’m not in anyone’s pocket,” he said “I’m just one of the 45 who signed the (Nasdem) manifesto. (This rejects a vision of democracy lacking proper concern for the people’s welfare).

“Democracy is not incompatible with Islam, and it’s not a Western import. In fact in its early period Islam was a pioneer in democracy holding elections in Medina. But after 39 years the Sultanate system took over – and that was a mistake.

“We do have traditional democracy and we want to get it back. Democracy is not just about free elections and the media, it’s also about input and output.

“I’m worried that the failure to reform the legal system and bureaucracy means the government has failed to reach the objectives that democracy promised. We’re now in the third five-year period where the government must deliver. Foremost is education.”

The other factor is violence against religious minorities. “This is challenging the very foundations of our society,” he said. “I am truly worried. If my home is attacked the police will come. If the thugs use religious names the police won’t intervene.

“There must be zero tolerance and the police must be given political protection to uphold the law.”

When he became the youngest rector in the Republic back in 2005 aged 36 he inherited the position formerly held by the late Nurcholish Madjid. Also known as Cak Nur the liberal scholar became famous for his statement ‘Islam, yes – Islamic parties, no.’
Dr Baswedan has become best known for his TV commentaries and adjudications, and his ‘education should be an escalator’ campaign to get major changes in the Indonesian education system.

He wants higher quality well paid teachers keen to enter a profession with status, working in the regions and then being able to use their experience in other jobs. He urged Indonesia’s 60,000 overseas students to return to their homeland, but not apply for government jobs. Instead they should approach private enterprise with entrepreneurial ideas.

The New Order government flooded schools with thousands of unqualified teachers. Many are still employed and can’t be sacked. Dr Baswedan said that the government’s intentions were best illustrated by the reality of the statistics – 144,000 primary schools, but only 26,000 secondary schools.

His proposal involves major companies helping the best and brightest, especially those who are poor, denied the opportunities the rich can buy, whatever their abilities.

This raises the question of why Indonesia’s taxation system isn’t functioning efficiently to capture and redistribute wealth. To this he argues that the system is getting better, but in the meantime nationalistic philanthropy should plug the gap.

Before he gets to become a candidate with a chance, Dr Baswedan has to have the military on side. He doesn’t see this as a problem, arguing that Indonesia still needs the presence of a strong institution to combat fears of internal armed insurrection.

He said the Western idea that the army should be kept in barracks and used only for external threats doesn’t apply in a nation where mass uprisings could be too big for the police to contain. “Democracy allows for peaceful protests but not violence.”

Even if Indonesians buy Dr Baswedan’s line that democracy is an Islamic ideal he still has to deal with the slur of being a brainwashed US-educated neo-liberal infecting Indonesia with Western values.

His defences have been well polished.

“Most Indonesians who go to the US end up being critics of the country,” he said. “Democracy doesn’t require secularism. The separation of church and state is not universal in the West. In Britain the Queen is the head of the Church of England.

“France which is supposed to allow religious freedoms has banned Islamic headscarves in State institutions. Several European countries have government departments of religious affairs.

“You talk about a united Europe arising from the ashes of the Second World War and comparing this with the progress in Indonesia – but Europe has no common language as we do. That’s a remarkable achievement.

“Indonesians are becoming more pious – but that doesn’t translate into votes for Islamic parties.”

So will he seek the nation’s top job? Like any able politician Dr Baswedan frequently sidesteps direct questions, substitutes his own, then answers. But he did rule out standing in the 2014 election - because he’s too young.

(First published in The Jakarta Post 19 March 2011)

COMMENT ON EUREKA STREET ARTICLE

Response to Ruby Murray's article 'Invisible Indonesia'
http://www.eurekastreet.com.au/article.aspx?aeid=25441

The fault is not wholly ours. Indonesians have much work to do before their country becomes a safe destination. Most people are friendly and welcoming though rip offs are prevalent. The rule of law doesn't operate. Nationalism is growing and it's hostile to outsiders. Corruption rules everywhere, city pollution is a serious threat to health, poverty is gross - particularly outside the cities. Education standards are the lowest in Southeast Asia. As the travel warnings say - Indonesia is not always a safe destination. Far from struggling daily with asylum seekers the evidence shows Indonesian officials have been actively helping these people take the dangerous journey to Australia. Careful visitors who are well prepared can have rewarding experiences in the archipelago, but the hazards are real. Let's be frank about Indonesia - it's our resource-rich neighbour and critically important in defence and trade. It could become a major and stable player in world affairs, but it's also on the cusp of collapse if the government doesn't deliver the promises of democracy. That includes ensuring safety for visitors and locals - particularly those in minority religions.

Posted 19 March 2011

There’s a disquieting Pollyanna tone in many comments that do a disservice to Indonesia – and the original story. The debate needs to be lifted above ‘lovely people’ and ‘developing nation’ responses from people who’ve had only superficial contact with the archipelago, - some hiding their identity and further devaluing the credibility of their observations.

Indonesia was born in the ashes of World War 11 along with modern Japan and the European Community, and had the potential to equal them. Instead the great natural wealth and talent has been squandered by decades of corruption, oppression and mismanagement, a tragedy for the people whose health, education and lives have been blighted by evil administrators.

Now the lawmakers are allowing thugs to commit serious crimes in the name of religion and abuse the Constitution. This is creating widespread concern about future directions – and warping the nation’s image.

Australia can and should help by providing thousands more scholarships so young Indonesians can build their skills and see for themselves that Western democracy is not a nest of godless vipers. At the same time more Indonesians (particularly Javanese Muslims) in Australia should help lift local ignorance, provided they’re made welcome.

Posted 20 March 2011

AID DOLLARS BEING SPENT UNWISELY

Better ways to help Indonesian kids.

In February Opposition Leader Tony Abbott proposed cutting Australia’s overseas aid budget to pay for the Queensland floods, rather than impose a levy on taxpayers.

Specifically highlighted was the $AUD 400 million allocation to build schools for Indonesian kids. Many commentators found this abhorrent, stressing that education is critical to lift standards in Indonesia. However the benefits are more imagined than real – there are no figures available showing how many children are going to school who would otherwise have stayed home as a result of the aid programme.

Nor is there any information on the curricula being used in these schools – that’s something that Australia cannot control.

Of course education is important, and as an advanced nation Australia has a duty to help its neighbours. But building schools is a totally flawed policy.

It’s the Indonesian government’s job to care for its citizens; the responsibility is in the Constitution. That means providing the teachers, buildings and equipment.

If Australia does the job that releases local administrations to divert funds to other less worthy causes. These tend to be opulent government complexes, officials’ mansions and lavish places of worship.

There’s no way Australian agencies can control cash used for capital works which require suppliers, manufacturers and builders. The opportunities for graft are limitless, meaning Australian taxpayers’ money will fuel corruption.

The idea that the locals will recognise Australian generosity and change their attitudes is naïve. It assumes people will notice a plaque acknowledging AusAID and consequently stop despising unbelievers. On the contrary – the fundamentalists will use these programmes as proof that the West is trying to ‘Christianise’ Indonesians.

Far better to use the money so teachers can study in Australia, boost their skills and expand their horizons. There are some scholarships – but too few. When the teachers return they can push their governments to build better classrooms and equip these with modern technology. They can also tell their students that the West is not peopled by the devils conjured up by the narrow-minded ill-educated people who often run pesantren.

(First published in East Asia Forum 26 February 2011)

FPI SECRETS RELEASED

Scoop: Inside the FPI

Thanks to WikiLeaks we can now reveal the inner workings of the FPI otherwise known as the Friendly People’s Institution. A foreign embassy has bugged the organization and transcribed its meetings.

Many of the classified cables deal with the minutia of life in the FPI bunker, such as how to ensure only virgins wash the men’s’ jubah using halal soap so we’ve selected the most appropriate.

To protect individuals’ privacy we are calling the members Muhammad 1, Muhammad 2 and so on.

M1: Order, order, this meeting is about to start …

M7: Objection! You cannot use the word ‘order’. Our policy is ‘disorder’.

M1: Yes, yes, but to create disorder we need a plan. That means being united …

M2: Point of order! ‘United’ is haram. It stinks of the Great Satan.

M7: We cannot have order. I’ve said so already. Order is chaos.

M1: Move on – first the report from our Pornography Division. I call on the convenor:

M6 It’s been a busy month. We’ve had to view more than 20 films. In six we saw skirts above naked ankles and in four scenes certain chest organs were obvious despite many layers of clothing. (Gasps.) We had to return to the cinema five times to confirm these vile images, which is why our expenses are so high.

M1: So I see. Was that necessary?

M6: Absolutely, brother. It’s an onerous but sacred task we’ve undertaken. First we have to wear the despicable western clothes and dark glasses so we’re not recognised.

Next we must bring our comrades to see the odorous and sinful scenes for themselves so they know the depths of Western decadence.

MI: Quite so, but 500 tickets?

M6: Education isn’t cheap, brother.

M1: That means we’ll have to double the protection fees for Blok M bars so they can serve alcohol. By the way, I’d better take a look at these disgusting films myself to make sure your report is correct. Send me a ticket. Make that five. For my cousins. Now onto the Hearts and Minds project – but M3, your hand is bandaged.

M3: Correct, it is grievously hurt, sir. I tried to cut it off!

M1: But why?

M3: While looking for unauthorised places of worship I encountered a Christian leader. (Shouts of horror) Before I knew what was happening this person wished me Merry Christmas (screams) and shook my hand. You can imagine I felt doubly defiled, because the priest was a woman! I rushed to the nearest mosque and washed seven times, but the stain could not be eradicated. (Gasps). So I then tried to cut it off.

M1: Allah be praised – a true martyr. But you did not succeed?

M3: In the midst of my agony I heard a voice from heaven cry out: ‘If you have no hands, how can you strike the infidel?’ So I desisted.

M1: Did you get medical help?

M3: Indeed, sir. God directed me to the best hospital available, St Vincent de Paul. As a result I expect to be fully healed and can return to my duties of flushing out evil. (Much shouting of Allah Akbar – God is Great!)

M4: I move we suspend the meeting for lunch. We get a discount from McDonald’s.

M5: Foreign capitalists! We should be supporting our brothers, local traders.

M1: We can’t. We’ve smashed all their foodstalls because women and gamblers use them. Only McDonald’s is left.

M5: Alright, alright. In any case we need to understand the evil foods they serve to identify them on our next Sweeping. I’ll have a Big Mac with coleslaw.

M8: A Double Cheeseburger with fries for me. So when’s the next Sweeping? I love watching tourists flee.

M1: Here’s the problem. The government has asked us to tone down a bit. No problems with torching churches and Ahmadiyah mosques (noise of people gagging), but hotel occupation rates are dropping and damaging TNI’s income.

M6: OK. I move we concentrate on homosexuals. I’m sure I can find some if I pay a few local government officials to identify them. My order? Sure, a hamburger thanks. Make sure the server wears a jilbab.

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KOMARUDDIN HIDAYAT

Live and let live

If he wasn’t an academic sparring with language, Professor Komaruddin Hidayat would make a fine boxer.

Not because the Rector of the State Islamic University (UIN) in Jakarta would be landing knockout blows. Instead he’d be deflecting punches, sidestepping wild swings and never letting his opponents get close enough for an upper cut.

Example: He supports pluralism. So how does his position fit with the fatwa (prohibition) on pluralism issued by the Majelis Ulama Indonesia (MUI – Council of Indonesian Islamic Scholars)?

“The MUI has a different understanding of pluralism. I look at it in terms of sociology and anthropology. Maybe they consider it theologically.”

Try again: What’s the solution to the problem of Ahmadiyah (the sect under attack for claiming to be Islamic)?

“The government should take action. The police should give them protection.”

Try yet again: At a formal seminar he didn’t use the traditional assalam alaikum (peace be unto you) to address an audience dominated by Muslims.

“Assalam alaikum is just a cultural greeting. You can spread peace through behavior, such as smiling and being friendly.”

So would it be right to label him a liberal Muslim, along with people like prominent activist Ulil Abshar Abdalla from the Liberal Islamic Network (JIL).

“You can call me a rational Muslim.”

Does this mean he’s opposed to JIL?

“It’s just a group, and so small. I appreciate that it’s good for intellectual exercises, but nothing else. It has so few followers. It’s difficult to be successful without government support.”

State-funding backs Dr Komaruddin’s university of 22,000 students. He reckons UIN is the finest tertiary institution of its kind in the Republic, and well positioned to create bonds with its counterparts elsewhere.

“We want to conduct research with Western campuses so staff and students can better understand Southeast Asian Islam, as opposed to Islam from the Middle East,” he said.

“We want to build ties based on education, business and good neighbourliness’, explaining Islam as a sociological and historical phenomenon.”

This was one of the reasons Mas Komar (as he’s known) has been in New Zealand with two colleagues. They’ve been presenting the rational face of Islam and hopefully to eclipse the image of tiger-eyed fundamentalists tugging their wispy beards as they demonise everything that’s not Muslim.

On the surface it’s a grand idea, but in discussions with Professor Paul Morris, head of Inter-Religious Understanding at Wellington’s Victoria University it became clear there’s a major obstacle to overcome.

Universities in NZ and many other Western countries teach religious studies, but not specific religions. Graduates do not have the qualifications to get leadership roles in mosques, churches or temples. A taxpayer-funded university like UIN could not exist in NZ.

The separation of religion and State would not have surprised Mas Komar because he’s filled his passport with inky stamps from more than 40 countries.

While many have been nations with Muslim majorities, others have been Western democracies where religion if of little importance.

Globetrotting as an ambassador-at-large for tolerant Islam would have seemed an unlikely career for the third of eight children born in Magelang, Central Java, 57 years ago.

His dad was a soldier, but that was a career the bright lad didn’t favor, and his parents didn’t push.

“My father was quite liberal, a good man,” Mas Komar said. “It was serendipity that put me into the academic life.

“I was sent to the cheapest and closest village pesantren (Islamic boarding school) where I was influenced by a very wonderful teacher. He told us that we had the right to enjoy life, and the good life is Islam. We should be vice-generals of God.

“He taught us about the dignity of human beings, the need for life-long learning and to live decently. God has given us heads to think, hearts to feel and hands to do good things.

“It’s death that creates religion, that makes life meaningful. If you don’t believe in an afterlife then there’s no incentive to do good.

“Everyone wants truth, beauty, peace and goodness. These are values implanted in us by God.”

After doing well at school the inspired student moved to Jakarta and the institution he now heads. Here he gained his first degree (in Islamic education) and then applied for an overseas scholarship.

He was successful (“by accident”) and headed to Turkey where he completed a doctorate in Western philosophy. Back home he returned to the UIN and in 1990 became a professor. Four years ago he was elected rector.

Apart from teaching and touring the world, Mas Komar is an occasional commentator in the mass media promoting his friendly and benign brand of Islam.

“”It’s no longer relevant to talk about conflict between Christianity and Islam,” he said. “Good religion means being a good citizen.

“We don’t like the aggression of global capitalism, but democracy and Islam are compatible. Marginalized Muslims get the benefit of democracy because they can get close to local decision makers.

“The problems we’ve had in Indonesia have not been created by democracy, but by the poor quality of politicians and failure of the political process.

“I’m an optimist. The people (voters) are getting wiser and more selective in evaluating candidates. A lot of lessons have been learned, but I think it will take three more elections to grow the maturity to evaluate politicians.

“The issue is this: How do we articulate the way to behave in a modern state, and how do we manage?

“Don’t make religion part of the problem, but the solution. Religion can solve the problems of society, and Indonesia could be a model, a world leader.

“My philosophy is live and let live. Life is a game. We can live together in a pluralist society.”

(First published in The Jakarta Post 25 November 2010)

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SELLING INDONESIAN TOURISM

Listening to tourists – and learning Duncan Graham

The fresh smell air in the dawn, shine of sun, surrounded by volcanoes, smile of peoples along the way, hundreds heritage building, and variety color of shopping. pleasure. Expererience (sic). dreams. here in Bandung, Indonesia.

Don’t judge a book by its cover or a city by its publicity. Presented with this example of tangled English from the Bandung Tourist Board, a concerned Djoni Sofyan Iskandar apologised and promised better communications in the future.
He wasn’t the author, but as the well-travelled boss of the Bandung Institute of Tourism (BIT) and a fluent English speaker he manfully shouldered some of the blame.
“We need to better understand tourists and their needs and to respond appropriately,” he said in Wellington. “Mastering English is essential for everyone working in the business of tourism.”
Djoni was in the New Zealand capital to attend a United Nations World Tourism Organization (UNWTO) conference on TedQual.
This is the fancy acronym for Tourism Education Quality, indicating that travellers’ needs are being recognized along with the diversity of the industry. Tourism jostles dairy exports as the most important earner in the economy of NZ, a nation that’s a world leader in outdoor activities.
UNWO is trying to introduce what it calls ‘responsible tourism’ and codes of ethics, particularly in developing countries. The idea is to ensure local people get the benefits and that negative impacts on cultures and the environment are reduced.
Big building hotels and airports in places like Bali, and the inflow of thousands of foreigners with different expectations and values has disrupted traditional lifestyles, widening the gulf between rich and poor. Inevitably resentment follows.
Despite the Bandung language hiccup Djoni and his deputy Joko Suyono launched into an energetic defence of West Java’s capital and a robust promotion of the BIT, a State college with around 2,000 students.
He said 90 to 95 per cent found jobs in the industry, with 40 per cent working overseas. Cruise ships employed large numbers. According to BIT’s senior staff this puts the educator in the vanguard of hospitality trainers in the Republic.
Anyone querying this claim should be in the so-called Paris of Java in May 2012 when Bandung will host a major forum on Rethinking Tourism. This will also recognize BIT’s 50 years as a hotel and tourism academy. The forum will include strategies for sustainable development.
Also likely to be at the talkfest, if he doesn’t get snapped up by another agency in need of a dynamic promoter, will be Nyoman Madiun who directs the rival Bali Tourism Institute.
Like BIT this is classified as a STP (Sekolah Tinggi Pariwisata) or Tourism High School, though these institutions are more like Western polytechnics providing vocational education in management, catering, travel and related activities. The Bali institute was started in 1976 and has 1,300 students.
With his offsider Dewa Gde Byomantara and the two Bandung teachers, Nyoman also attended the UNWTO conference. Like any good entrepreneur he never paused to take a rest from promoting his island and drop reminders that Bandung, for all its grand attractions including Art Deco architecture, is not a destination on most foreigners’ Must See lists.
“There’s a need for the Indonesian government to boost spending in education and visitor facilities,” he said. “At the local level you have to get community involvement and support for tourism.
“We must listen to tourists, find out what they want and respond accordingly. Hygiene, accessibility and security are high on tourists’ demands – and we’ve still got someway to go here, particularly with cleanliness. There are so many streams developing, like cultural tourism, eco-tourism and adventure tours. ”
“Bali was lucky because the Dutch colonial government started promoting tourism early in the 20th century,” said Djoni. “It has continued off and on since then. Bandung is better known for textiles, but that will change in the next five years.”
“Everyone in Bali knows that tourism is our number one earner. It’s in our blood. Our culture is a seamless mix of religion and art that must be preserved,” replied Nyoman Madiun. “If tourists stopped coming tomorrow we would still be praying and dancing.
“We’re now looking towards Russia as a source for visitors, along with ASEAN countries and Western Europe. We want people to explore elsewhere and are promoting a Bali and Beyond campaign.”
Recalling that dour Malaysia attracts 27 million visitors a year while smile-free Singapore pulls in almost ten million, the obvious question is why the magnificent archipelago laden with historical, cultural and scenic riches and jolly people shuffles in with under seven million.
According to the feisty four tourism hotshots, all these figures are rubbery with visitors, business people and tourists being bundled together.
“Malaysian statistics include all those people who cross the Causeway every day from Singapore to Johor Bharu to work or study,” said BIT’s deputy director Joko Suyono. “But it’s not just numbers – the other factors are length of stay and what people do while in the country.
“The Indonesian figures are taken from tour operators’ statistics and don’t include individual visitors. Countries aren’t always measuring the same thing.”
There was also general agreement that the Visit Indonesia campaign was no real match for Malaysia’s Truly Asia advertising, its neighbour’s Surprising Singapore tag and the sub-continent’s Incredible India. All three countries saturate Western television with their joys and jingles.
“That’s because many in government don’t really understand tourism,” said Djoni Sofyan. “There’s not enough money in the budgets. Another problem is with the mentality of the people in the departments.
“There are government regulations that get in the way, such as queues for visas, and difficulties in implementing rules about foreign investments.
“To understand tourism you have to travel, to be a tourist. That’s essential. Too many haven’t been out of the country.”

(First published in the Jakarta Post 24 November 2010)
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TIFATUL SEMBIRING EXPLAINS: IT WAS ALL BLACK MAGIC

The Ministerial non handshake: An explanation

Good morning to all men, whether you are of the one true faith or a vile unbeliever destined to burn in hell unless you rapidly convert. Which reminds me, I must plan legislation to assist in this regard.

As your Disinformation Minister I have a responsibility to keep you informed of current events. So I’ve asked my ghost writer to explain the situation as if I’d written it myself - had I not been so busy being pious:

Now I want to make sure you understand the real facts regarding a certain happening featuring a guest to our beloved nation, the center of tolerance in a troubled world.

Let me say this: There have been many wicked lies spread about the reception by sinister forces opposed to the Unitary State, like You Tube.

So let me be absolutely clear; I did not shake hands with a non-man who is not my relative.

As you know, I am deeply pious, so here’s the unvarnished truth. As a very important person in Indonesia I was of course invited to meet another important man.

I did not expect this person to bring a non-male with him, so was caught by surprise. In fact when I saw what had happened I was deeply disgusted. Blatant pornoaksi! Politics and leadership is men’s business. All other people must stay in the kitchen and bedroom.

I will speak to the security guards and make sure they are disciplined for this serious breach of protocol.

When I shook hands with this tall black man I could not control my responses. His grip was firm and irresistible. I recognised him to be a true Muslim because he whispered Assalamu Alai’kum to me - though out of earshot from the Fox News reporter with the US press corps.

I tried to give him a brown envelope containing my nephew’s application for a scholarship at Yale along with a modest gift, but it was rudely snatched away by one of his aides.

As God is my witness I swear that he used black magic, for I could not stop my hand jerking forward once he had moved on. “Yes we can,” he said – and cast a spell. So I was forced against my will to have my hand grasped by this, this … non-male person.

Fortunately as a pious man I was able to resist lingering with the slightly moist palm, the sweet and slender fingers, the genuine warmth that exuded from every pore, the cool gaze from liquid brown welcoming eyes, the scent… That’s enough. I’m not a man to be tempted.

As a true believer I immediately left the room for the nearest toilet so I could scrub the offending body part at least seven times. However I was distracted by one of my assistants.

“Pak,” he whispered, “they’re about to serve lunch.”

What a dilemma! How should a responsible minister of the Republic respond when the dignity of the nation is at stake? Steak, actually, imported Angus and delicious, but be assured I did wash at the earliest opportunity after the six-course banquet followed by some excellent Australian wine.

You understand I had to sample this forbidden beverage in the name of research. I’m a man who needs to know about haram products so I can speak with authority when I warn the faithful of the effects.

While representing you at this function and feeling deeply concerned about the poor of our beloved nation who don’t have enough to eat, my staff were busy checking the records.

Do you know what they found? This leader of the Great Satanic nation is actually one of my relatives! Records kept when he was studying at a Pesantren (as all Indonesians should – and I think I’ll make this compulsory very soon) show his third cousin on his uncle’s brother’s side is also my cousin through my grandfather’s stepbrother’s fourth son.

This means that the non-man who accompanied the visitor is also a relative. That makes it OK for me to make body contact with the American’s companion.

So my actions were halal, God be thanked! Not that I touched the non-man willingly. As I said earlier it was black magic.

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