A picture of politics 2019
See here, glance there:
Just look at my face on these huge posters and linger; you’ll
instinctively understand I’m the right candidate for your vote at the upcoming
election.
My generous smile says I’ll make a fine politician able to
accomplish much during my first term.
Yes, it’s true, I did have sunspots, worry lines, birthmarks and
blemishes, but all erased by the clever Photoshop people.
They said imperfections repel voters; as I’m going to
represent you and other interests in the highest debating forums in the
Republic, I must look perfect. Which I
am.
Obviously you’ll want to know about my faith. I can’t be specific because that might repel
some electors who think politics should be secular, so I’ll send hidden messages. That means covering or uncovering my hair, or
including some symbol on a necklace.
As BTW is gender-neutral let’s be frank. Or rather, Frank. Should I wear a peci, the rimless
black Javanese headgear to signal I’m a true red and white nationalist? Or would a kopiah skullcap be enough
to hint I know where Mecca is located?
The experts tell me that you dupes, sorry, canny folk in
voterland, want to know whether I go to a mosque, church or temple, though I
don’t think it should matter, to be honest. Hey, isn’t that a funny word? Don’t
hear it much nowadays.
Actually I don’t worship much outside my mirror as I’m a bit
of a freethinker, as they say in Singapore where I have several bank accounts
and two apartments.
Of course that information isn’t on my poster; do you think
I’m stupid? Forget that question. When you’ve been number one all your life
it’s sometimes difficult to be meek and humble.
Thank goodness it’ll soon be 17 April so I can return to my normal self.
Well, for five years anyway.
You’ll never know all this stuff unless some muckraking
journalist does a bit of digging and reveals all. I’m not worried; I’ll say it’s fake
news. It works for the US President so
that’s OK.
That’s what my appointed advisor suggests. I call him my dalang
– it’s a joke because he says he’s
not a puppet master but a professional psephologist. He’s studied techniques used in those
overseas centers of democracy and stability.
Places like Australia, which I read somewhere, has had seven leaders in
the past decade while we’ve just had two.
I’ve been there a few times to catch up with my kids at
university so I’ve learned a bit about the folks Down Under. Do you know they have compulsory voting? If not, maybe no one would bother. Can you
imagine – most prefer the beach to malls.
Here we’re free to shop or stay home, like 25 per cent did
in the last election, or head to the polling booth. Here’s my advice: Only make the journey if
you’re going to put a nail through my name.
Otherwise take it easy. Check the supermarket specials – it’s a holiday.
So what else should I have on my poster? There’s no space for the policies of the
party I’ve recently joined. I must keep
repeating its name – suppose I had a tongue slip and mentioned the one I
favored until they found a candidate with more money?
I know – a list of the academic qualifications I’ve bought,
I mean earned, through years of diligent study.
Do you know what the title BS means? Neither do I, but it sounds
impressive.
They gave me that award when I spoke in Australia –
apparently something to do with bovine digestive systems, so possibly an
agricultural degree. Someone said it
meant poppycock, but that’s horticulture.
What do I fear? Well,
losing obviously, though we’ve spent huge sums to make sure that doesn’t
happen. My real concern is the other
candidates. I’m told some pitching for the 20,000 seats are serious and want to
be elected so they can make the country better and improve the lives of the
poor.
That made me laugh. We never thought politics was for
altruists when Pak Soeharto ran the show. Ah, those were the days. Maybe General
Prabowo will bring them back. Duncan
Graham
First published in The Jakarta Post 6 April 2019
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