THE JUDEAN JOURNAL
Our motto: God allows, so we report
As the latte-sipping peaceniks disconnected from the real world celebrate the birthday of an alleged international terrorist, we say in the New Year 35 AD, LET’S BANG HIM UP:
Enough is enough.
This Province is known across the Flat Earth for its tolerance, compassion and respect for human rights, but it’s time to draw a line.
OK, he gave us a few laughs with what appeared to be a heavenly gift. Water into wine was great while it lasted. He hasn’t tried that again since this paper exclusively revealed he’d paid the servants to lie about the pitchers.
Decent Galilee folk are mature enough to dismiss chicanery with a chuckle, but what they and we can’t tolerate is interference in the financial system, the backbone of the economy.
Barging his way into the Temple, ignoring security checks and then upturning the money-changers’ desks show he’s nothing more than a common criminal and must be treated as such.
Banking shares dipped on early trading for fear of an uprising, but recovered once the offender was revealed as a lone operator.
Lenders need to be in a house of worship to make it easier for the borrowers. This is a place for profits, not prophets. The usurers are all properly licensed by the Chief Rabbi, a man of integrity whose sermons always raise interest.
Love and kindness are all very well, but try offering goodwill in the market when your purse is as empty as your stomach.
Let’s not forget this unelected demagogue claims he’s from Nazareth where most of us wouldn’t stop to refuel our camels for fear of getting mugged. Half the men there don’t work since the timber mill shut down after clearing the bush to feed the carpentry shops.
They’ve made the place a desert. No wonder they’ll shout Hosannas for anyone handing out loaves and fishes.
Clearly he’s sniffing a political career as he can’t handle an honest day’s work. It’s said his old man Joe kicked him from his workshop because he couldn’t get his spirits level, and was always carving thrones when told to saw benches. The two had an ungodly row when son told Dad he’d been cuckolded.
Senior government sources say they’ve no record of the upstart ever going to school, which means he’s illiterate. Despite this he gets stuck into the scribes telling them they’ll never get to heaven. What gall. Who does he think he is, some SOG?
He can’t even speak Latin or Greek but yabbers away in a coarse Aramaic dialect no-one worthwhile can understand. Apparently he has Asperger Syndrome, using this as an excuse for frightening kiddies about an apocalypse. That’s something they shouldn’t have to weather.
Recent reports say he runs a gang of twelve guys. That sounds queer. However others reckon he’s been spotted holidaying with Mary Magdalene.
What does she see in him? He’s so unkempt – torn togas, ragged beard, weird sayings – just another bohemian seeking a rhapsody.
She used to anoint feet, then worked her way up. With this relationship she’s heading down again.
The dubious dozen have a gay time stirring the populace, threatening law and order and telling the scum they should have a say in government. That’s a godless Greek idea with no place in Jerusalem. Imagine if women got involved in men’s affairs – that would trigger Armageddon.
There’ve been plenty of complaints from upset residents that this rabble-rouser reckons it’s OK to help Samaritans out of a ditch when we all know they’re the deplorables who belong there.
Once free from the gutter they’ll breed like cane toads, rocket the cost of housing, overcrowd hospitals and schools, and take jobs from battlers trying to put food on the table. Lock up your wives and daughters when you see dark Sammys on the street. Someone should build a wall.
Remember the old saying: Let one rodent into the granary and those black bits in your muesli will be rat poo.
Governor Pilate is forever at the washbasin. He needs to get the whips cracking. If flagellation fails The Judean Journal recommends a trudge to Golgotha. It’d be a miracle if this wannabe survived that trip.
For how much longer do we have to bear this cross?