THE JUDEAN JOURNAL
January, 35AD
Our motto: God
allows, so we report
As the latte-sipping peaceniks disconnected from the real
world celebrate the birthday of an alleged international terrorist, we say in
the New Year 35 AD, LET’S BANG HIM UP:
Enough is enough.
This Province is known across the Flat Earth for its
tolerance, compassion and respect for human rights, but it’s time to draw a
line.
OK, he gave us a few laughs with what appeared to be a
heavenly gift. Water into wine was great
while it lasted. He hasn’t tried that
again since this paper exclusively revealed he’d paid the servants to lie about
the pitchers.
Decent Galilee folk are
mature enough to dismiss chicanery with a chuckle, but what they and we can’t
tolerate is interference in the financial system, the backbone of the economy.
Barging his way into the Temple, ignoring security checks and then
upturning the money-changers’ desks show he’s nothing more than a common
criminal and must be treated as such.
Banking shares dipped on early trading for fear of an
uprising, but recovered once the offender was revealed as a lone operator.
Lenders need to be in a house of worship to make it easier
for the borrowers. This is a place for
profits, not prophets. The usurers are
all properly licensed by the Chief Rabbi, a man of integrity whose sermons always
raise interest.
Love and kindness are all very well, but try offering
goodwill in the market when your purse is as empty as your stomach.
Let’s not forget this unelected demagogue claims he’s from Nazareth where most of us wouldn’t
stop to refuel our camels for fear of getting mugged. Half the men there don’t work since the
timber mill shut down after clearing the bush to feed the carpentry shops.
They’ve made the place a desert. No wonder they’ll shout Hosannas
for anyone handing out loaves and fishes.
Clearly he’s sniffing a political career as he can’t handle
an honest day’s work. It’s said his old
man Joe kicked him from his workshop because he couldn’t get his spirits level,
and was always carving thrones when told to saw benches. The two had an ungodly row when son told Dad
he’d been cuckolded.
Senior government sources say they’ve no record of the
upstart ever going to school, which means he’s illiterate. Despite this he gets stuck into the scribes
telling them they’ll never get to heaven.
What gall. Who does he think he
is, some SOG?
He can’t even speak
Latin or Greek but yabbers away in a coarse Aramaic dialect no-one worthwhile can
understand. Apparently he has Asperger
Syndrome, using this as an excuse for frightening kiddies about an apocalypse. That’s something they shouldn’t have to
weather.
Recent reports say he runs a gang of twelve guys. That sounds queer. However others reckon he’s been spotted
holidaying with Mary Magdalene.
What does she see in him?
He’s so unkempt – torn togas, ragged beard, weird sayings – just another
bohemian seeking a rhapsody.
She used to anoint feet, then worked her way up. With this relationship she’s heading down
again.
The dubious dozen have a gay time stirring the populace,
threatening law and order and telling the scum they should have a say in
government. That’s a godless Greek idea
with no place in Jerusalem. Imagine if women got involved in men’s
affairs – that would trigger Armageddon.
There’ve been plenty of complaints from upset residents that
this rabble-rouser reckons it’s OK to help Samaritans out of a ditch when we
all know they’re the deplorables who belong there.
Once free from the gutter they’ll breed like cane toads,
rocket the cost of housing, overcrowd hospitals and schools, and take jobs from
battlers trying to put food on the table. Lock up your wives and daughters when you see
dark Sammys on the street. Someone should build a wall.
Remember the old saying:
Let one rodent into the granary and those black bits in your muesli will
be rat poo.
Governor Pilate is forever at the washbasin. He needs to get the whips cracking. If flagellation fails The Judean Journal recommends a trudge to Golgotha. It’d be a miracle if this wannabe survived
that trip.
For how much longer do we have to bear this cross?
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