The Incremental Revolution
EXCLUSIVE. The government will rush through new laws introducing pre-pre-trials preceding pre-trials before the trials of potential graft suspects backed by past presidents, their former in-laws and media magnates.
Sources said authorities were determined not to be outwitted by ornamental revolutionaries frustrating the appointments of senior people by assuming overflowing bank accounts indicate corruption.
“In a free society even police officers are allowed to amass fortunes,” a source said. “It shows they’re also astute businessmen. The nation needs robust entrepreneurs. There will be unlimited pre-trials until we get the results we want.”
Earlier heavily armed members of the crack Densus 88 counter-terrorism squad raided the home of AB, the last remaining employee of the Corruption Eradication Commission [KPK].
AB’s neighbors in his Ciliwung River kampong said the illiterate one-legged 60-year old janitor had started work this year in the KPK basement. “I fear for my mate,” said one. “When the cops have finished with him he won’t have a leg to stand on.”
Witnesses said AB was dragged from his shower, handcuffed, tear-gassed and thrown into a windowless wagon before being rushed straight to Police Headquarters via unsealed tracks on Mount Bromo.
A police officer, speaking on condition that he or she should remain gender free and anonymous lest he or she be arrested by someone, said AB had been charged with subversion. He confirmed AB was being held on a top floor where toxic cleaning fluids are stored and windows easily opened.
The spokesthing said police acted after a complaint lodged against AB by his former elementary school headmaster.
“On the basis of information received from a principled principal, AB forged his school admission form and asked other pupils to commit perjury by witnessing his counterfeit thumbprint,” she / he said.
“Informants swear the five-year old was heard to shout: ‘I hate Soeharto’.
“This is a serious insult to a past Head of State. It threatens the stability of the Republic. When convicted AB will spend 20 years at Nusakambangan without parole.”
Attempts to confirm the allegation were unsuccessful. Neighbors claimed the teacher, also named Soeharto, died in 1990,
When questioned by incredulous reporters the spokesthing said: “Don’t go poking in the past stirring hornets. Your job is to report the present facts as we say them.
“AB had also conspired to be Jokowi’s running mate. A surprise raid by Densus 88 was necessary to retrieve the proof and because he’d been observed buying a DVD of The Raid – Redemption. Don’t be fooled by the wheelchair - he’s a violent practitioner of pencak silat [Indonesian martial arts].
“His bathroom had weapons like razors, hairsprays and soap. AB is a slippery customer alright. The safety of our officers is always our first concern.
“We also had to ensure the suspect had no time to destroy incriminating photographs of KPK commissioners with nude teenage models injecting shabu-shabu in a five-star hotel room with sacks of US dollars on an unmade bed.
“A laptop was seized and the pictures will be found.”
Following the arrest a senior law lecturer, who called himself Anon as he has yet to flee overseas, said there was no statute of limitations.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago the offence was committed; a crime is still a crime and no-one is above the law enforcers.
”Could a minor be found guilty? That’s a question for the courts, but every child should know they must respect Pak Soeharto who showed us all what’s right and wrong. If not, they haven’t been raised properly so could be prosecuted for selecting irresponsible parents.”
The President, who asked that his name not be published because he had not been authorized to think by his party leader, said he was considering saying something at some point in the future should an advisory committee advise that this was advisable.
“Please be patient and let things take their natural course,” he told nonplussed journalists before cycling into the streets for Decision-Free Day.
“Get things in perspective. My government will be instrumental in introducing the Mental Revolution, but progress has to be incremental. That’s fundamental. We’ve embraced democracy, so the next stage is a good Greek tragedy.” Duncan Graham
First published in The Jakarta Post Sunday 22 February 2015)