BTW: Putting women in
their place
Let’s get this
straight: News of schoolgirl virginity
tests is a splendid sign of progress. Only
an education authority that’s created a world-class learning system would have enough
time left to put the carnal ahead of the cerebral.
So watch out for a flowering of PhDs and Nobel Prizewinners
from Prabumulih, South Sumatra, every one intact.
Is it jealousy of young women, their vitality and power,
that so arouses our leaders - or the revenge of the impotent?
In Amsterdam they’d be wearing dark glasses in De Wallen, nervously fidgeting under the
red lights, but here they’re the saluted, chauffeured self-appointed custodians
of other folks’ morality.
Like Governor Rusli Habibie who’s banned women secretaries
in his province’s public service.
Seeing a khaki-clad posterior makes staff focus on bottom
lines beyond the accounts. The edict is
to stop affairs, - but suppose the bureaucrats are gay? Silly thought – this is Gorontalo, not
Gomorrah.
Misogyny yarns keep us from worrying about politics and
poverty and we haven’t had a good one since Banda Aceh banned ladies straddling
motorbikes. So thank you, provincial prudes, for revving up the debate about the
proper place of women in society as decreed by us, masters of the universe.
Remember the story in the Good Book: Sage Adam was happy in the garden reflecting
on higher matters when Eva sashayed past with the apple. And the world has gone to custard since. If she’d just stayed in the kitchen we’d all
be living in harmony, brothers in arms, not armed.
Women are delicate creatures as every bruised husband knows
well. The term ‘fairer s*x’ relates to skin
color, not justice.
It’s up to us gentle
men to suggest laws that will protect their sensitivities and ensure we are not
seduced into sin. Here are some more:
Extend the straddle ban to bicycles. How does a woman cycle side-saddle?
That’s not our problem. We just pass the
edicts. When it comes to s*x we just can’t help ourselves so you must control
yourselves.
Back to the list: Women should be banned from Merdeka Square
so they can’t see Monas. Mockingly known
as Soekarno’s last erection, the 132 meter tower thrusting into the sky is a Freudian
challenge to lesser lads.
Only men should work in fuel station forecourts pumping gas.
Cars are male and should not be treated like women. This is a straight society.
The front seats of bemos are to be reserved for men. A woman sitting alongside a driver who
constantly plays with his gear stick is clearly in a perilous situation –
particularly if he withdraws and selects reverse while hurtling forward. We won’t even mention pulling on the
handbrake.
And while talking about traffic there has to be a total ban
on women wearing seatbelts. It’s true the law requires belts to be used, but
it’s secular and therefore wrong. The
strap goes across a woman’s, er, upper torso and separates her, er, feminine
features.
This gives them prominence and causes distress to male
passengers who are otherwise studying worthy texts, learned writings or playing
Angry Birds.
What happens in an accident?
Thank you for asking, that shows your caring nature. Don’t worry – we
men will belt up and be safe.
Some women like music.
That’s halal. But playing a
double bass is absolutely haram. The sight of a large instrument in such an
intimate position can drive male concert goers into a frenzy when we came to be
stimulated intellectually, not emotionally.
Another job on the banned list is piloting aircraft. Grasping a joy stick, sitting in the cockpit and
then heading for heaven is not right. It’s true angels have wings but you’ll
never see one commanding a 747.
So if you hear the pilot welcome you aboard in a feminine
voice, leave the aircraft immediately to preserve your honor. Even if it’s at 10,000 meters.
I could go on, but you get the drift. Women and men are
different and the latter must always be on top.
Otherwise we’ll feel insecure and start doing improper things to the economy
and the running of the nation, and it will be all your fault.
(First published in The Sundayh Post 8 September 2013)
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