Scoop: Inside the FPI
Thanks to WikiLeaks we can now reveal the inner workings of the FPI otherwise known as the Friendly People’s Institution. A foreign embassy has bugged the organization and transcribed its meetings.
Many of the classified cables deal with the minutia of life in the FPI bunker, such as how to ensure only virgins wash the men’s’ jubah using halal soap so we’ve selected the most appropriate.
To protect individuals’ privacy we are calling the members Muhammad 1, Muhammad 2 and so on.
M1: Order, order, this meeting is about to start …
M7: Objection! You cannot use the word ‘order’. Our policy is ‘disorder’.
M1: Yes, yes, but to create disorder we need a plan. That means being united …
M2: Point of order! ‘United’ is haram. It stinks of the Great Satan.
M7: We cannot have order. I’ve said so already. Order is chaos.
M1: Move on – first the report from our Pornography Division. I call on the convenor:
M6 It’s been a busy month. We’ve had to view more than 20 films. In six we saw skirts above naked ankles and in four scenes certain chest organs were obvious despite many layers of clothing. (Gasps.) We had to return to the cinema five times to confirm these vile images, which is why our expenses are so high.
M1: So I see. Was that necessary?
M6: Absolutely, brother. It’s an onerous but sacred task we’ve undertaken. First we have to wear the despicable western clothes and dark glasses so we’re not recognised.
Next we must bring our comrades to see the odorous and sinful scenes for themselves so they know the depths of Western decadence.
MI: Quite so, but 500 tickets?
M6: Education isn’t cheap, brother.
M1: That means we’ll have to double the protection fees for Blok M bars so they can serve alcohol. By the way, I’d better take a look at these disgusting films myself to make sure your report is correct. Send me a ticket. Make that five. For my cousins. Now onto the Hearts and Minds project – but M3, your hand is bandaged.
M3: Correct, it is grievously hurt, sir. I tried to cut it off!
M1: But why?
M3: While looking for unauthorised places of worship I encountered a Christian leader. (Shouts of horror) Before I knew what was happening this person wished me Merry Christmas (screams) and shook my hand. You can imagine I felt doubly defiled, because the priest was a woman! I rushed to the nearest mosque and washed seven times, but the stain could not be eradicated. (Gasps). So I then tried to cut it off.
M1: Allah be praised – a true martyr. But you did not succeed?
M3: In the midst of my agony I heard a voice from heaven cry out: ‘If you have no hands, how can you strike the infidel?’ So I desisted.
M1: Did you get medical help?
M3: Indeed, sir. God directed me to the best hospital available, St Vincent de Paul. As a result I expect to be fully healed and can return to my duties of flushing out evil. (Much shouting of Allah Akbar – God is Great!)
M4: I move we suspend the meeting for lunch. We get a discount from McDonald’s.
M5: Foreign capitalists! We should be supporting our brothers, local traders.
M1: We can’t. We’ve smashed all their foodstalls because women and gamblers use them. Only McDonald’s is left.
M5: Alright, alright. In any case we need to understand the evil foods they serve to identify them on our next Sweeping. I’ll have a Big Mac with coleslaw.
M8: A Double Cheeseburger with fries for me. So when’s the next Sweeping? I love watching tourists flee.
M1: Here’s the problem. The government has asked us to tone down a bit. No problems with torching churches and Ahmadiyah mosques (noise of people gagging), but hotel occupation rates are dropping and damaging TNI’s income.
M6: OK. I move we concentrate on homosexuals. I’m sure I can find some if I pay a few local government officials to identify them. My order? Sure, a hamburger thanks. Make sure the server wears a jilbab.