TIFATUL SEMBIRING EXPLAINS: IT WAS ALL BLACK MAGIC

The Ministerial non handshake: An explanation

Good morning to all men, whether you are of the one true faith or a vile unbeliever destined to burn in hell unless you rapidly convert. Which reminds me, I must plan legislation to assist in this regard.

As your Disinformation Minister I have a responsibility to keep you informed of current events. So I’ve asked my ghost writer to explain the situation as if I’d written it myself - had I not been so busy being pious:

Now I want to make sure you understand the real facts regarding a certain happening featuring a guest to our beloved nation, the center of tolerance in a troubled world.

Let me say this: There have been many wicked lies spread about the reception by sinister forces opposed to the Unitary State, like You Tube.

So let me be absolutely clear; I did not shake hands with a non-man who is not my relative.

As you know, I am deeply pious, so here’s the unvarnished truth. As a very important person in Indonesia I was of course invited to meet another important man.

I did not expect this person to bring a non-male with him, so was caught by surprise. In fact when I saw what had happened I was deeply disgusted. Blatant pornoaksi! Politics and leadership is men’s business. All other people must stay in the kitchen and bedroom.

I will speak to the security guards and make sure they are disciplined for this serious breach of protocol.

When I shook hands with this tall black man I could not control my responses. His grip was firm and irresistible. I recognised him to be a true Muslim because he whispered Assalamu Alai’kum to me - though out of earshot from the Fox News reporter with the US press corps.

I tried to give him a brown envelope containing my nephew’s application for a scholarship at Yale along with a modest gift, but it was rudely snatched away by one of his aides.

As God is my witness I swear that he used black magic, for I could not stop my hand jerking forward once he had moved on. “Yes we can,” he said – and cast a spell. So I was forced against my will to have my hand grasped by this, this … non-male person.

Fortunately as a pious man I was able to resist lingering with the slightly moist palm, the sweet and slender fingers, the genuine warmth that exuded from every pore, the cool gaze from liquid brown welcoming eyes, the scent… That’s enough. I’m not a man to be tempted.

As a true believer I immediately left the room for the nearest toilet so I could scrub the offending body part at least seven times. However I was distracted by one of my assistants.

“Pak,” he whispered, “they’re about to serve lunch.”

What a dilemma! How should a responsible minister of the Republic respond when the dignity of the nation is at stake? Steak, actually, imported Angus and delicious, but be assured I did wash at the earliest opportunity after the six-course banquet followed by some excellent Australian wine.

You understand I had to sample this forbidden beverage in the name of research. I’m a man who needs to know about haram products so I can speak with authority when I warn the faithful of the effects.

While representing you at this function and feeling deeply concerned about the poor of our beloved nation who don’t have enough to eat, my staff were busy checking the records.

Do you know what they found? This leader of the Great Satanic nation is actually one of my relatives! Records kept when he was studying at a Pesantren (as all Indonesians should – and I think I’ll make this compulsory very soon) show his third cousin on his uncle’s brother’s side is also my cousin through my grandfather’s stepbrother’s fourth son.

This means that the non-man who accompanied the visitor is also a relative. That makes it OK for me to make body contact with the American’s companion.

So my actions were halal, God be thanked! Not that I touched the non-man willingly. As I said earlier it was black magic.

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