CONFESIONS OF A RICE REJECTER

BTW:  More than a grain of truth

Let’s open with a personal disclosure:  Rice ain’t nice.

This column understands that statement is akin to flag burning, praising Karl Marx or tweeting that a politician isn’t motivated by altruism – but it pays to be honest.

Which is why so many in Parliaments have multiple villas and send their kids to overseas schools.

But we digress. This confession also puts me offside with the 265 million people who believe in the old proverb:  Belum Makan Nasi Berarti Belum Makan, Whatever’s on the plate, if rice isn’t there it’s not a meal.

Rice is known as a ‘staple food’.  Buyers of takeaway nasi goreng (fried rice) from roadside stalls know this well.  The greaseproof wrapper is often secured using a device for clipping documents.  Swallow this and life’s journey could become stationary – death by stationery.

Diners from cultures afar prefer the brown seed of Oryza sativa, the whole grain which includes bran and germ. Fussy folk reckon that guarantees the meal will be nutritious because the fibers and antioxidants haven’t been stripped out - the process that produces white rice.

Refining is supposed to make the grain more palatable, last longer and ensure it’s easier to cook. 
Unnecessary - the task is so simple a fellow can’t fail.  Toss a handful into a pot of boiling water, 
simmer for 20 minutes, then drain and serve.  Unfortunately few Indonesians find this acceptable.

Naturally they’re polite and complimentary, but when the host’s back is turned they sneak to the toilet and return with a clean plate.  Another serve?  ‘No thanks, that went down a treat.’

A near and dear taster reckons this recipe produces porridge.  This is also British slang for serving time in jail because that was the standard meal behind bars.

Does rice slim or fatten?  Choose the research which suits your bias.  The proportion of overweight Indonesians seems far below those in more affluent economies.  Across the archipelago farmers look lean – which may be hard labor offsetting the carbs.

The reaper philosophers observe crops and crowds.  Padi makin berisi makin merunduk notes that the heaviest yielding plants bow down with the weight of grain.

There’s a more subtle meaning:  Those with an abundance of power should be humble when dealing with those below.  Tall stems carry little substance.  Take note Donald Trump and others like him.  This is the wisdom of the paddy.

How did Indonesians cope before the invention of the electric rice cooker, a gadget as essential as a toaster in a foreigner’s kitchen?  The task should be done in a trice but the preparation ritual takes longer than the cooking.  

The grain must be washed thrice and the water level no higher than the second knucklebone on the pinky finger of the right hand.  A pinch of salt helps lift blood pressure.

There are so many rice dishes even the most pernickety curmudgeon (not your correspondent) can find a plate to please.  Recommended is nasi lemper (sticky rice) and one of this nation’s most enjoyable snacks when fresh.  That’s because the taste is dominated by the filling of shredded meat or fish.  

Australia’s good at growing rice and much is exported to Japan.  Though not Indonesia, apparently because the type produced in the Murrumbidgee valley west of Sydney is the wrong variety.

For Indonesians long rice is not the real thing.  It’s as dissimilar from short rice as a 

wholemeal loaf is from the sugary white sponge that’s laughingly labeled ‘bread’

 in the Republic, even though the raw ingredients come from the wheatbelt of Western Australia.

This is a State keen to entice Indonesian tourists; 

Perth is just a 200 minute trip from Denpasar with so many competing flights 

that prices are reasonable.

There’s plenty to see and do Down Under where visitors are made welcome. 

Though not those who need rice every day so they don’t turn stroppy. 

There are a few Chinese and Indian restaurants in the big towns which may serve rice, 

but otherwise nix.  WA is not a rice zone, and neither are most states. 

 So if heading to the Great South Land pack a cooker and follow the culture: 

Do It Yourself.  Duncan Graham

First published in The Jakarta Post 21 December 2019