Not spying – just a mutual awareness doctrine
Well, hi
there neighbor – good to see you Mr Bambang; you’ve been away so long you must
have plenty to talk about.
Maybe we
could get together after Friday prayers and have a few cold ones to catch
up? No? OK, some other time maybe.
A chat
now? Well sure, that’s fine; I’ll just tell
Julie where I’ve gone so the missus doesn’t think I’m having a foreign affair!
Not funny,
eh? Sorry, but we Aussies like to share
a joke or two to crack the ice. I’ll be round in a tick as soon as I’ve made a
couple of calls to Canberra.
Now, what’s
the problem Mr Bambang? Our dogs
barking too much? The new satellite
dish blotting out your sunlight? Those
antenna wires singing in the wind? I find them damn annoying too, as I told our
community head when he complained.
Look mate,
let’s keep this man-to-man. I know
there’s been a bit of tittle-tattle in the street, and to be perfectly clear
the good lady wife does tend to chat a bit to the American neighbors on the
other side.
She
particularly likes Mrs Michelle – you know how it is with women - and maybe she
passes on a thing or two to her husband when they’re talking about Syria and
Iran and the price of rice. But it’s
all harmless stuff. As you and I keep
assuring the folks roundabouts, we cooperate, we’re good friends, we respect
each other.
Alright
Sir, calm down. Let me explain what happened – fair dinkum. That means straight
up and down – no funny business. Not that we ever do.
One day the
maid was polishing a wine glass which she inadvertently put against the wall
and heard noises from next door.
Well, I
explained how sound travels, and we all had a go – it was jolly fun really,
more like a game. And to tell the truth
(as we always do) I thought this might be a handy way of protecting you by
gathering information. Gotong royong and all that looking after each
other stuff that you guys do so well.
Gee, I love your culture.
Look Mr
Bambang, don’t get annoyed. To be frank
(as we always are) you’re off in Bali quite a bit, and there’s more than a few
shady characters coming and going in your absence. Who knows what they’re plotting behind your back? Some of them might want to hop the fence and
get into our back yard.
Calm down,
no need to take umbrage. I agree that using the wine glass was a mite crude so
I’ve asked our techies to see if things
can’t be improved. I specifically told
them not to drill holes in the wall, but they might have got a bit too enthusiastic. I’ll send Greg around to clean up the mess.
I see
you’re still annoyed so let’s put our cards on the table, as we always do. We’re mates, right? Please Sir, I’d like your confirmation.
I’ll
certainly sack the maid and get rid of the wine glasses – how’s that? Not enough? Well, I could call for a report
and get a committee together to put up some recommendations. But with Christmas
and the New Year and your election coming up I can’t see any reporting this
side of Idul Fitri.
Can we just
stop beating about the bush? Everyone
knows we listen to each other all the time – it’s impossible not to with all
this megaphone diplomacy.
I bet you
folks have already got my cellphone number and password, which is TRUSTUS if
you’re interested. See – we’re open and
transparent. Ha, ha.
Let’s hit
this thing for six. Of course it’s not
spying – these are just operational matters.
Spying wouldn’t be cricket as my cobber Marty says – an idiom picked up
when doing his paper round in Australia, along with his designer stubble.
Let’s call
it for what it is – a Mutual Awareness Doctrine (MAD). It’s in both our national interests.
Enough
robust exchange of views. Let’s have a
quiet chat off the record. Grab a seat
will you – a bit closer to the vase of flowers, thanks. Duncan Graham
(First published in The Jakarta Post 17 November 2013)
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